Today a child who had been occupying a Uterus for the past 9 months finally gave up on his protest and evacuated the area he had inhabited. Much like the Occupy Wall Street movement, the child, who has since been named “Timmy” had created a home for himself setting up a small livable space, receiving what little nourishment came his way, and wouldn’t leave even to use the bathroom. “It was a difficult decision” said Timmy, “but at the end of the day it had been so long, I couldn’t even remember why I was there in the first place. I remember there were literally hundreds of thousands of us who started this movement, and 9 months later I was the only one left. It makes you wonder what it was all for, you know?“

Timmy, perhaps taking a page from various environmental protesters, chained himself to the Uterus using a cord, and refused to separate himself from that cord or evacuate the premises. “Originally we all wanted to stand up to the top .001% of sperm who actually become children,” explained Timmy, “but through this whole process it turns out I wasn’t one of the unlucky 99.999%, I was the in the .001%. When I think back, I wonder if the last 9 months was a mistake.” Moments after the interview, Timmy’s parents later confirmed that Timmy was in fact a mistake.

Rob DeSantis