Following extensive research conducted by scientists at the University of Southern California results are showing that men tend to drink more when women spend more time talking. Dr. Art Spiegleman of the university explained further, “women enjoy saying things that men clearly understand don’t need to be said such as; ‘do you think that girl is prettier than me’ or ‘do I look fat in this.” The result is degenerate alcoholism and rooting for a sports team that hasn’t won a championship in six decades.

The Coalition for Understanding the Nagging of Testosterone or CUNT for short released a statement in response to the very controversial study. “Women wouldn’t have to trick men into releasing their feelings if they would just stop pretending like what they were saying was already true.” The Male Association responded almost immediately, “but it is the truth.” This statement was greeted with a smile and a hug and followed by phone calls to several girlfriends inquiring “what did he really mean?”

Scientists are warning that this cycle will only get worse as Michael Imperioli makes more tequila commercials, driving both genders to drink to hallucinative states on everything other than 1800 tequila.