Parents and lawmakers are stunned as startling new statistical findings are being released reporting that Nickelback related assassination attempts are at an all time low. Since the deaths of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il in 2011, Nickelback is now listed as a top threat to American freedom.  Nickelback, a Canadian formed terrorist cell, is attributed as being one of the few terrorist organizations that has successfully integrated itself as a household name in American pop culture, and therefore is one of the top threats in establishing sympathy towards terrorist cells, or worse, converting American citizens to their extremist ways.

This morning, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton addressed the nation.  “America has come a long way in the face of pop-evil, however the war is not yet won.  America has triumphed and persevered, but it is not yet time to let our guard down and leave ourselves open to attack by top 40 radio stations.  It was only months ago on Thanksgiving that Nickelback attacked Detroit, and left millions of Detroit Lions Fans horrified at half-time. We cannot allow them the opportunity to strike again!”

Secretary of State Clinton didn’t go as far as to encourage violence against the band, but did encourage American’s not to listen to Nickelback, claiming it could validate their power chords and meaningless lyrics.  The CIA has come forward to say they have information that Nickelback could be teaming up with other known terrorism supporters such as Iran and/or the MTV Video Music Awards.