Snake Plissken (age 60) was sentenced to life in a horrible city following an arrest last July for possession of illegally downloaded mp3’s. With a record of having already escaped New York and Los Angeles, presiding Judge William O’Gavin sentenced the repeat offender to Detroit for a duration of until he could find a job. The life sentence drew immediate criticism and protest from other people who didn’t have jobs but came from families where they didn’t really need them.

It is believed Mr. Plissken died as a result of gunshot wounds during an alleged car jacking while attempting to escape the city. Friends and Family rememberd the cult hero at a closed casket ceremony earlier this morning. “He was so close to getting out,” read teary eyed Aaron Plissken as he eulogized his brother.

Conspiracy theorists are already clamoring at the inconsistencies of the story. Mr. Plissken was found dead at the center of a notoriously dangerous neighborhood, hundreds of miles from the border. This is leading people to suspect that he was not escaping but in fact purchasing crack cocaine, which he had been addicted to since 2001 after witnessing his performance in 3000 Miles to Graceland.