OAK BROOK, IL (USA)

As of early this morning McDonald’s representative John Grammer announced that the CEO’s shit would no longer be used as an active ingredient in the process of making their famed hamburgers.

“Times are changing and it has become no longer reasonable for us to continue including rich people’s processed shit in your food.” Grammer continued, “health concerns of our patrons is a major factor for the change however we give you the McDonald’s guarantee that the food will continue to taste as shitty as ever.”

Public outcry was immediate and is not expected to go away. Jeffery Wolfe, patron of the chain restaurant for over 30 years explained the reasoning behind the backlash. “If we wanted to eat something that didn’t taste like shit we wouldn’t have been going to Mickey D’s in the first place. Now, the food will be like everywhere else, just not as good.” Wolfe is unmarried and runs a WWE fanclub out of his local community center.

Although initial reaction to the change was negative McDonald’s spokespeople reassured stockholders that with time public opinion will grow. “When something costs a dollar, people tend to eat whatever is given to them,” were the closing statements at this mornings assembly. When asked how the black community will react to no longer being served shit to eat, John Grammer was positive, “they still get plenty of it to smoke.”

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