JACKSON HEIGHTS, QUEENS, NY (USA)

The Jackson Heights Institute of Technology released a new study this morning shedding further light on the culture of minorities. “They’re very interesting and unique people,” project leader Nathan Bitters began, “much like the Italians they enjoy unprotected sex however they show a strong hostility towards voting.”

Bitters spent two years living amongst the minorities and over that course of time was accepted into their community. “After two months they offered me my first empanada and by year’s end I was integrated into their grooming circle.” Bitters still maintains his cornrows weeks after the study concluded.

When asked why they like sex without condoms, local minority leader Javier Gonzalez explained. “They take away all the feeling.” On the subject of the electoral process there are only theories. The strongest being that minorities tend to come from places where democracy is unreliable or non existent. Similar theories are that minorities can’t vote due to a combination of felony convictions and being in the country illegally.

The Jewish community did not show any of the same characteristics and therefor cannot technically be labeled a minority. The institute created the new niche group, “people no one really likes but don’t talk about it because of the holocaust.”

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