WASHINGTON DC, D.C. (USA)

With 99% of the votes counted Ron Paul is being named the clear winner of not winning a primary despite having tried really really hard and having a strong Facebook following. Balloons and confetti are already falling at the Paul headquarters in the party hall of the airport Marriott. “I’m very proud and thankful for today. I couldn’t have done it if there were more of you,” were the opening words from the humble congressman. “We will go on to lose Arizona! and Michigan! and Massachusetts!”

The other candidates are far from stunned at how much more they appear to be winning when compared to the struggling Paul. Mitt Romney was candid with reporters from GNN, “yes he has a strong internet following, but the internet is for people who don’t really go out and do things, like vote. It makes all the sense in the world.” Senator Santorum could not be reached for comment because he was presumably “out doing something creepy,” according to people who heard about the fetus story.

With Super Tuesday approaching public eyes are on Ron Paul awaiting to see what he will do to raise his status in popular culture yet still not win. “Maybe he’ll do another episode of The Daily Show,” was the sentiment of someone who listens to way too much Radiohead. “Or maybe not.”

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