LOS ANGELES, CA (USA)

This morning it was announced that singer and “actress” Whitney Houston passed away from still undetermined causes. Within minutes of hearing of the death of the 48 year old, executives from her record label quickly booked an emergency meeting to explore all ideas on how to fully exploit the situation for maximum profits. “So far, we are pleased with the results….I mean, devastated by what happened. We have heard the body has cooled considerably, making her come back less likely….er, I mean, we are saddened to hear,” stated one record company employee. Already, editors have begun pasting together a shoddy, full length, 3D Imax concert/biography movie. Work has also started on assembling a CD box set of all her music, including many “lost” tapes and “never heard before” tracks that have mysteriously popped up out of nowhere. And several reworked and remastered editions of “The Bodyguard” are being prepared, with extra footage, hilarious outtakes and an intimate concert experience with Kevin Costner.

As funeral arrangements are being made, the Jackson family is reportedly trying to figure out how they can capitalize on the event. Tito has written a song which the family is calling, “The greatest anthem to Whitney ever written.” Rumours are for a planned wardrobe malfunction to bring further attention to the family whose spokesperson stated, “Any press is good press, right?” As well, civil rights icon, Jesse Jackson is writing his speech in which he is set to talk about how inspirational he was to her. Al Sharpton is also expected to attend and ramble on about something. As well, reports are that an illegitimate daughter has been found in Texas who is being groomed to make a “tear jerking” speech that is “sure to bring the house down.” Already, the Westboro Baptist Church has made plans to picket the wedding saying that, “She once knew someone who was gay and didn’t chastise them properly enough about it, and this is why she died! God hates gays and people who aren’t assholes to them!”

Tabloids have begun to seek out photos of the death scene and any embarrassing or stunning facts surrounding the death for print as soon as physically possible. If anyone, from anywhere on the planet, has any idea whatsoever of what may or may have not happened to Whitney in her final “dramatic minutes” before her death, they are being advised not to contact police, but to contact local tabloid offices.

De La Chris Hearn
snfu73@yahoo.com

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