GETTYSBURG, PA (USA)

In an attempt to show that he believes the Catholic Church isn’t always right, Rick Santorum took a firm stand against the Spanish Inquisition for not being English Only. The former Pennsylvania Senator said this was a tough call, but that because the Bible’s in English, so should be any torture, coercion, or persecution in its name. The Candidate did add we’ve come a long way from those times and that a lot of so-called tortures should now be used to keep marriages together. “There’s nothing like a good flaying or a few turns on the rack to add spice to a marriage. How do you think Me and the Missus kept the romance going to have all those kids?”

Despite, the candidate’s feelings on the Spanish Inquistition, the Santorum campaign released a statement saying the Former Senator would not veer from his core beliefs. For example, although the Santorums will be getting Secret Service, 24/7 protection, none would be provided for Mrs. Santorum’s uterus. And, that because of Santorum’s opposition to same sex marriages and the homosexual lifestyle, he wants to remove all references from schoolbooks to the “Gay Nineties.” To further emphasis its anti-abortion and contraception commitment to voters, the Santorum campaign unveiled its new slogan: Let’s Get Government Off Our Backs And Onto Our Fronts.

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consultant Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

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