NEW YORK, NY (USA)

Following the bounty scandal involving Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to redraft some of the leagues oldest rules. “We have lost touch with what this game really means. It used to be about love and dedication, your teammates and a common goal to win. Now it’s just about hitting each other and scoring.” Goodell continued, “toward the end of his life Johnny Unitas lived in a near paralyzed state because he loved the game, not because there were violent acts directed towards him.” The commissioner dodged all questions about the great Polaroid scandal of ’58, referring of course to when Mr. Unitas was caught mailing poorly developed photos of his genitals to a Pan Am stewardess.

Players around the league were elated to find out about the changes to the rules. Baltimore Ravens linebacker and future hall of famer Ray Lewis weighted in on the decision, “it’s not the kind of world I want to live in. I don’t hate the opposing quarter back, I think we should all try to be supportive of each other. A Superbowl victory for one is a Superbowl victory for all. It’s like the Occupy Movement said, we should look out for each other.” In related news, three more were critically injured when Occupy Movement camps erupted into anarchic violence.

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