Following a night of binge drinking and charging excessive amounts of money onto his student credit card, Robert Almont of Cleveland, Ohio has sworn off drinking for life. “I just can’t keep doing this. My head hurts, I want to puke, it’s torture. Drinking is not what it was a few years ago, i’m just never doing this again.” Mr. Almont also promises to begin a steady regiment of jogging, lifting weights, getting an attractive girlfriend, and not being an all around loser anymore.

The FDA is warning Americans to look out for the following signs of a hangover including but not limited to nausea, headaches, sensitivity to light, and waking up next to a someone far fatter than yourself, unless of course the female is black and you are a skinny white male in which case you are then suffering from a case of living a stereotype.