In a stunning reversal, baseball pitching legend, Roger Clemens admitted to years of taking Trenboline, a steroid usual taken by Thoroughbred Horses. A defiant Clemens stood up in court, stunning all present and proclaimed he will continue taking the drug so he can fulfill a lifelong dream to run in the Santa Anita Derby. When asked “How long he thought it would take to prepare for such a grueling challenge?” Clemens replied by stomping his foot six times. Clemens then threw himself on the mercy of the court, saying he was prepared for the Judge to go to the whip when punishing him. Clemens added, “Let me do community service, Your Honor. I believe I can pull a cart for the next three months to help underprivileged Amish families bring in their crops and still have enough time to prepare for the Santa Anita Derby.” Clemens motion was granted, causing Barry Bonds’ attorney to file paperwork claiming his client wanted to change his name to Full Count Fleet.

In another steroid related story, former Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco and admitted steroid user confirmed reports that despite stopping his steroid use, he remained an asshole.

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”