The United Nations today called for a ban on Hollywood celebrities traveling to Africa in order to adopt third world children. “What with famine, war, and disease, the African continent cannot afford to lose any more of its youth to adoption by celebrities,” Halie Okafar, Kenyan Under Secretary of the Keeping Our Children Away From Celebrities Ministry, said in a prepared statement. Many social scientists have begun to note the trend, calling it the “Jolie-azation” of the Third World. Minister Okafar warned, “first it’s Angelina Jolie, then Madonna, and next thing you know, parents will hide their children at even the rumor that David Hasselhoff is in town.” In a related story, Vera Wang announced a new clothing line for celebrities who’ve adopted third world children. The outfits are designed so as not to clash with the skin color of a celebrity’s adopted child.

Paul Lander is Writer/Prod and Consult/Producer of XM/Sirius’s “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”