Press secretary Jay Carney announced that Justin Bieber would be awarded the coveted Presidential Medal of Freedom by Barack Obama in the following weeks. The award will be presented for continued excellence in averting media coverage from political mishaps and years of assisting the Executive branch in doing whatever it does that makes them feel like God. While taking a break from not making quality music Bieber was excited and humble in his reaction to the announcement, “of course I couldn’t have done all this without help from the media. Whether I was doing drugs in public or just walking around looking sorta goofy they were always there to cover the story. Even when actual news of a crippled economy or a world on the brink of war would break they fought their journalistic instincts and continued to broadcast my immaturity. That’s what I call integrity.”  When asked what he had in store for future distractions from actual news Bieber was coy but teasing, “i’m not too sure but there might be some dead hookers involved.” All would agree a fantastic follow up to throwing eggs and hot boxing a private jet, also known in political circles as operation Fast and Furious and the Benghazi Fuck-Up.

President Barrack Obama stated that he could not think of a better candidate for the national award and believes the young talent will continue to inspire for generations to come. The president elaborated, “I should be out of a job, Eric Holder should be in jail, and Edward Snowden should be dead. If you don’t know two of those three names we have Justin Bieber to thank and that’s why I chose to award him this honor.”