Having defected from China over a year ago for obvious reasons, Mr. Aldous Hugsly representing Slovenia has taken gold in the men’s 1000m speed skating competition. The feat is especially astounding considering just the night prior Hugsly was involved in a tussle with a local paramilitary hit squad sanctioned for rounding up and euthanizing the stray dog population. Russian President and part time John Malkovich creepy movie role impersonator Vladimir Putin released this statement, “Aldous Hugsly was not targeted for being a stray dog but actually as a result of a month long investigation into the homosexual k-9 community.” In support of their fellow and recently outed olympian many athletes are donning rhinestone bedazzled leather dog collars. The new fashion trend is said to be especially popular at the Holland house between the hours of 2 and 5am local time.
Hugsly refused to comment choosing instead to focus on his remaining events. Long time adversary and gold medalist in the 5000m speed skating competition, Sven Kramer was also hesitant to comment on the situation however admitted, “he’s still pretty adorable, especially after it rains.”