godzillaMADISON, WI (USA)

Famed faux news publication The Onion has lost a highly publicized libel suit following a story of Godzilla attacking various Japanese coastline cities. Godzilla, father of four and self employed plumber was outraged at allegations of violence, fire breathing, and being in a movie directed by Roland Emmerich. “I’m a homebody, I have a family to support,” the lovable green giant pleaded, “after the story broke of me destroying Japanese cities it became near impossible to work as a plumber. No one would hire me.”

Onion editors refused to comment however they did release a story detailing how Godzilla has recently been discovered to be nothing more than a little bitch. Godzilla’s defense team refuted the story however The Onion seems pretty legit so media coverage is expected to promote the story.

Japanese officials were confused and demanded to know who was responsible for all the blood washing ashore their coastlines and the source of all the dolphin carcasses. “We still believe it to be Godzilla’s fault,” top Japanese official Yumi Ozu explained, “it’s definitely Godzilla killing all those dolphins.”