Fighting broke out earlier this morning at a Vegan flea market located blocks from White Point Garden, Charleston, SC. Witnesses claim the escalation stemmed from two college students debating the need for America’s involvement in the current Ukrainian crisis. “It was difficult to watch,” explained a flea market patron, “they argued for a while then began shoving each other. Ultimately i’d have to agree with the Political Science major as opposed to the Gender Studies major, it’s what makes sense to me.” Sides are quickly being chosen as brother is fighting brother. Similar mob violence is spreading across the country and is expected to continue until people realize the Ukrainian revolution is being led by a former boxer who’s brother, also a former boxer, is currently dating Hayden Panettiere.
President Obama declared a state of emergency and comforted the nation, “This country has seen many crossroads. It has become utterly clear to both myself and this nation where our resources are required the most. Ukraine is America’s top priority.”
President Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was forced to leave the Olympic games at Sochi early to deal with the ongoing civil war in Mexico.