alec baldwinNEW YORK, NY

After a media backlash following several disparaging remarks towards homosexuals and those who might be confused for homosexuals, Alec Baldwin has decided to retire from public life. “The decision was not an easy one, ” he says, “but I have a lot of hate in my heart and the only solution is to not let anyone know about it.” In recent polls conducted on GNN public opinion reached an all time low for Mr. Baldwin however other polls, such as the anonymous poll showed  the masses in huge favor of the celebrity. “He’s a hate mongering monster,” one Brooklyn resident declared, “we don’t tolerate intolerance.” He then spent fifteen minutes praising a local jazz/rock fusion punk band that is opening a soul food restaurant where black people are allowed but only the ones that look like they were raised around white people.

Mr. Baldwin, seeking the best opportunity to abandon the public eye has backtracked on previous statements and has decided to host Saturday Night Live.