John Kerry


John Kerry announced funds would be wired to Ukrainian rebels immediately as a direct response to Russian President Putin’s threats of intervention in that region. “We will transfer a starting sum of 1 billion dollars to Kiev,” Mr. Kerry declared, “now will someone get China on the line and tell them we need 2 billion dollars?”

With echoes of the cold war people are bracing for what might turn into a prolonged campaign with no exit strategy and a high fatality rate. When asked about similarities to former president George W. Bush’s involvement in Iraq the Secretary of State was blunt, “he lied about WMD’s. We’re not even pretending to be looking for any. That’s pretty different.” Public support for the administration has been in steep decline with analysts citing various reasons, notably that the student voting base that carried the president in 2008 and 2012 has most likely started paying taxes. “There’s something about putting your bong away and getting a job that really makes you hate this guy,” claimed a former college student referring to President Obama, “I should have just continued on my way to that Wendy’s before getting sidetracked by the voting center.”

When pressed about America’s refusal to acknowledge the violence occurring in Venezuela John Kerry became visibly irritated. “What does America have to do with Venezuela,” Kerry exclaimed, “now where’s China with that 4 billion?”