HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
Earlier today on the Kelly and Michael morning talk show Matthew McConaughey revealed his recent discovery that he has been a longtime actor. The startling revelation was made less than a week before during a visit to doctors in preparation for his next picture. “I just had no idea. I was dead certain I was a used car salesman from Corpus Christi,” McConaughey had to say. Later in the episode an official statement of apology was issued, “you expect this kind of thing to happen to someone like Nicholas Cage but you never think it can happen in your own home.”
When asked how his entire career could go so unnoticed doctor’s explanations were simple, “the mind is a fragile thing. In this case, he’s just a fucking idiot.” Mr. McConaughey has rented a private screening room at Paramount Studios and is expected to view his entire filmography. Staff have already been notified and are on 24 hour suicide watch. The nation’s fingers are crossed for Failure to Launch.
The mix-up is believed to have began in 1993 on the set of Dazed and Confused when Mr. McConaughey is believed to have wandered onto set discussing the advantages of sexually harassing High School females. “I remember that day clearly,” McConaughey said when reporters questioned him, “so those weren’t real High School females?” The disappointment is expected to only continue as the now admitted star pays closer attention to his own life.