CageHOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)

Earlier this morning sources have been reporting that Nicolas Cage has beaten the odds and has fully regained hearing in both ears after being struck with tinnitus some time after making Adaptation. Cage first noticed signs of hearing loss on the set of Ridley Scott’s Matchstick Men but doctors only declared him completely deaf sometime before production was set to start on The Weather Man. When asked why the public was never informed about the disability Cage explained that it was a family matter.

Larry Gold, Cage’s longtime agent released this statement, “Mr. Cage could not be more pleased. This has to be a miracle. He is now taking the time to sit down and review the films he made during this difficult period.” Mr. Gold was fired twenty minutes into World Trade Center. There is a press conference scheduled for later this afternoon and it is expected that Nicolas Cage will retire from the craft of acting. “It’s the obvious decision,” Cage had to say this morning during a radio interview. He then sadly admitted he will not be able to take Al Pacino with him, who suffered from a gravel eating incident nearly a decade ago.

Doctor’s are already writing about the anomaly for medical journals around the country. “This is truly great news, a cure. Just imagine all the people who will now be forced to listen to themselves,” a Connecticut ENT doctor wrote. The source of the cure is still being debated but it is believed to have occurred while Cage was forced to record commentary for the upcoming bluray special edition release of his Ghost Rider sequel. An audio technician from inside the studio to remain nameless had this to say, “everything was fine untill his ears just started bleeding. He began clawing at them wildly begging for quick death. My tolerance has been built up over the years. He I guess just wasn’t used to it. Too much, it was too much.”

In other news it is being reported that doctors diagnosed Tim Burton as blind since Planet of the Apes and Mickey Rourke as just plain stupid.

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