LOS ANGELES, CA – After two years of research, scientists at the University of Southern California are showcasing the findings of a very alarming study. After sitting down with head researcher, Dr. Lidia Hopkins, GNN has learned that babies, in 90% of cases, are ugly.
“They’re bald, their heads are pointy and their faces are smushed,” Dr. Hopkins explained. “We hypothesize that the source of ‘infant attractiveness’ lies in them tending to look like their parents.” This, of course, stems back from an earlier study that 94% of parents are ugly.
When asked why and how so many ugly people could be pairing up and procreating, the reasoning was simple to Dr. Hopkins, “they just don’t know.”
These studies were conducted mostly at singles bars and at the beach. When asked what this means for the future of society, “it’s going to be difficult. It’s always difficult for parents to admit something is not right with their child.”
This felt eerily similar to the great debate of ’98 in which scientist set forth to change practices and redefine standards for “your child is not as smart as you think they are.”
The public is being pleaded with not to panic. The same research turned up plenty of evidence that an ugly baby has just as much chance of growing into an attractive adult as a cute or even adorable child. This is being referred to as the “ugly duckling” effect.
Ugly adults, according to the study, are “shit out of luck.”