WASHINGTON, DC – Reports are coming in that official Malaysian documents have been leaked online including one state issued mandate admitting that, “people are really fucking stupid. Like so stupid that they believe in magic, so just tell them that.” In response to the leaked documents Malaysian officials are claiming that it’s all just a dream and to go back to sleep. While walking back to his bedroom President Barak Obama issued strong words to the foreign government, “how did you know that was my card?”

In a series of conflicting reports regarding the timeline of the missing jet, Malaysian officials are claiming that they have no clue what happened, however, are ruling out anything that might implicate them in any act of incompetence. Several days ago it was revealed that two Iranian passengers were identified boarding the airplane using stolen passports. This information has since been discarded and the investigation has been handed over to a Vietnamese shaman in coordination with a Jamaican psychic. Their story is being adapted for a sitcom expected to air next Fall on NBC.