NEW YORK CITY, NY – With spring inching closer, New York City has been bracing for yet another season of white people with dreadlocks and delays to their early morning commutes. A representative of the Occupy Wall Street movement revealed a delay to those plans, “Yea brah, it’s still too cold.” William Thornton III, heir to the Thornton fortune and protestor of five years explained that he still has to wear socks with his converse low-tops, deeming conditions still too frigid for proper occupying. “Maybe in another two weeks,” he continued, “although it’ll really pick up in June,” referring of course to colleges releasing students for Summer break.
Mayor Bill De Blasio spoke earlier this morning to calm the already rising tensions in the city. “Fear not,” he promised, “there is no way I will allow these pig cops to stop you from protesting those capitalist fat cats.” The Police Commissioner did not issue a statement however did express grief over the new Mayor’s plan to dismantle the police department in an attempt to end the oppression of lower income communities. A plan that has left residents of lower income communities in panic and fear over other residents of lower income communities.