WASHINGTON, DC – Malaysian officials are reportedly narrowing down their search for possible reasons behind the disappearance of a commercial jet airliner almost a week ago. The most popular theory that they are putting forward is that a group of Japanese Yakuza, NOT terrorists they repeat, placed several bags on board containing various species of snakes. Airplane personnel was apparently unaware of the snakes due to them being asleep. Once temperatures and on board air pressure changed, the snakes awoke resulting in a snakes on a plane type situation. “This is devastating,” a Malaysian official proclaimed, “but at least we now know with certainty what happened.” The official then exhaled with relief, looked at several other officials standing behind a red curtain and winked. When asked as to what happened to the plane itself, the official began sweating profusely and responded “isn’t there a war in Ukraine or something?”

US intelligence has yet to take the “snakes on a plane” scenario seriously, however, has run into several roadblocks during their own investigation. The White House is claiming that the lack of evidence surrounding the case is making it difficult to pursue any leads. “It’s not like there were several Iranians on board with stolen passports,” White House press secretary Jay Carney expressed during a question and answer. After being reminded that there were in fact several Iranians on board with stolen passports he retracted his previous statement and blamed the entire matter on pirates.