WASHINGTON, DC – Nigerian officials are claiming that several of their satellites have spotted waves in the Indian ocean believed to have been caused by the crash of flight 370. The Malaysian government is accepting that these waves, five in total, are the definitive evidence of the fate of the missing jet. “Based on the direction of the waves and frequency with which they’re waving, we believe that the case can now be closed as to what really happened,” explained a representative for the Malaysian government. When asked to explain why the plane’s transponders were manually shut off, the representative sighed and murmured what essentially translates to “back to the drawing board.”

Skeptics have not been arguing the existence of waves in the ocean, but rather questioning the fatal flight as their source. Because of their consistency and average distance between crest and trough, leading progressive researchers believe the reasonable explanation is the need to raise minimum wage. “The lower class just can’t survive in such conditions, it’s time for the bourgeois to be taken down a peg,” explained a Columbia University professor while waving around delicate porcelain-like hands. Other theories are that the waves were caused by a new series of nuclear testing by North Korea. These theories were put forward by Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea.