WASHINGTON, DC – All hopes of calming the rising storms of war in Ukraine were shelved this week when during a standard penis measuring contest between the world’s leaders the U.S. president was left in a compromising position. “That’s the dick behind NATO?” shouted French president François Hollande in a rare show of contempt for his American counterpart. Several other key members of the European Union joined the pandemonium of heckling while loose hanging genitalia, still in broad sight, swayed gently from side to side following protocol established during the Potsdam Conference in 1945. Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed full confidence in his countries geopolitical standing and had no comment regarding the current state of the upcoming G8 summit in Sochi this summer.

President Barack Obama expressed extreme disappointment in the length of his flaccid penis and sited the thermostat setting as a possible reason behind the failure in the Eastern European negotiations. “I just want full confidence in the people of America that they are still being represented by the biggest dick in the world,” the president expressed. Erect and ball to tip measurements are being seriously considered for future meetings between the world leaders.