WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a Supreme Court ruling to ban affirmative action policies in the Michigan college admissions process, Judge Sonia Sotomayor expressed extreme discontent with the decision. She explained that as a society we cannot continue to fight racism unless we judge people by the color of their skin, primarily black skin. Citing several eugenics journals from the 1890’s, she explained that people’s differences do not come from economic background or community, but simply skin color pigmentation. “This case is ultimately about whether students of color in Michigan are allowed to compete on the same playing field as all other students,” Sotomayor continued, “today, the Supreme Court said they are not.” By being forced to abide by the same standards as their competition, the clearly genetically inferior black student body is faced with a disadvantage.

Judge Sotomayor has been a proponent of the White Man’s Burden for several decades. She is a leading voice in the argument for white people to finally take responsibility and help those who obviously can’t help themselves. “She has a point. White people are responsible for some very bad things,” added Jim McDunough, a local mechanic who’s Irish ancestry reaches back to Dalton McDunough, decorated hero for the Union Army during the Civil War. She also points to the other benefits of affirmative action programs. “The more you promote Black and Spanish people the less chance there is of an asian, or even jew slipping in,” she announced to a room full of applause. It was then that fellow Judge and advocate of the affirmative action ban, Clarence Thomas read his opinion. Sotomayor listened hesitantly but later admitted, “at least he’s black and not someone who doesn’t understand oppression, like an Indian.”