Washington D.C. – As tensions rise in east Asia following US military exercises conducted in the region earlier today, the nation braces for what’s expected to be a long and traumatic coverage of the conflict on networks including CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. Ratings for several news programs have already spiked in the last few hours and are expected to rise even higher once blurry night-vision footage of things glowing, then not glowing airs later this evening. Some people are bracing for the worst.

“That’s what you get when a whole generation grows up on romanticized stories of watching the Gulf War on TV,” Spokane, Washington native Tim Hillsborough had to say. “It only aired for half an hour after Cheers back then, not like we have it now.”

Major cities throughout the country are experiencing disruption as chain grocery stores are quickly running out of domestic beer and aspirin. Although a national emergency has not been declared it is encouraged that people stay home to avoid bumping into each other and subsequently debating the yet-to-develop conflict. Riots are escalating rapidly In the South Side region of Chicago, however, local authorities are surprisingly reporting a decline in homicides marking a victory for Mayor Rahm Emanuel and his campaign’s new crime initiative. When asked for comment, city hall press secretary Matt McGrath said, “you can’t murder if you’re busy looting.”

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